Funny Sign in Case of Fire Tweet
1 / 120
Precious cargo
Me, anytime I run across someone with a domestic dog in a stroller: What's wrong with your infant? —@prufrockluvsong
2 / 120
Can I check this bag?
I wonder who decided to call information technology "emotional luggage" and not "griefcase." —@will_dareal
3 / 120
Discussion nerd
If you try to right my grammar, I will think fewer of y'all. —@thesammyhannah
If that hit your funny bone, y'all'll beloved these clever grammar jokes.
4 / 120
Permit's become physical
"I'm not working out with a mask on" is my new favourite alibi for skipping practice. —@thecatwhisprer
five / 120
Retail therapy
Me: I'm sorry and directionless.
My brain: Buy stuff.
Me: No! Listen, I need a purpose.
My brain: Did yous say a buy? —@pant_leg
6 / 120
Rise and shine
Them: What inspires you to get out of bed every day?
Me: My float, mostly. —@lhlodder
7 / 120
It'south a keeper
One thing no ane ever talks about: how much time you fence whether you should keep a paper-thin box because it's, like, a really good box. —@madameanthro
8 / 120
It's inevitable
At a certain betoken in every man's life, he begins collecting random screws in an one-time java can. —@mommajessiec
9 / 120
Yee-harrrrgh!
Someone in my Norwegian class didn't know the word for "cowboys," so they called them "American horse pirates." —@socactussoowl
ten / 120
Playing information technology cool
My all-time acting work to date? It has to be yesterday, when I realized I was walking in the wrong direction, so I pretended to get a text message that changed everything and forced me to turn around and walk the other fashion. —@orangepaulp
eleven / 120
Speak up
Spider: Why are y'all terrified by me?
Me: Well, the reasons I once had take all now been replaced by the fact that you can talk. —@thealexnevil
12 / 120
The dog days
The pandemic has turned us all into dogs. We roam the business firm all mean solar day looking for food. We're told "no" if nosotros get too close to strangers. And we get really excited well-nigh automobile rides. —@dogownersuk
Don't miss this collection of the funniest dog memes on the Internet!
13 / 120
Feats of forcefulness
A shark could swim faster than me, only I could probably run faster than a shark. And so, in a triathlon, it would all come up down to who is the amend cyclist. —@emmamanzini
14 / 120
Let's get paranoid
Nobody'due south thinking nearly that weird thing y'all said. They're thinking about a different weird affair you said that y'all didn't even notice. —@deadeyebrakeman
fifteen / 120
The tank'due south empty
I simply made my last car payment. I mean, I nevertheless owe a lot, only I'm just not paying anymore. —@brentterhune
16 / 120
Is this covered?
The dentist just asked me to open up upward and now I can't stop crying. —@momjeansplease
17 / 120
Move along
I saved a lot of money on a abode security system by hanging a picture show of my paycheque on the front door. —@tbone7219
18 / 120
Likewise talented
Dolly Parton writing "I Will Always Beloved You" and "Jolene" in the same day is heed-blowing. Information technology would be like if Da Vinci finished the Mona Lisa, so turned effectually in the same mean solar day and wrote "Jolene." —@wenzlerpowers
nineteen / 120
Common cold condolement
I wouldn't mind living in a haunted house. Cold spot in the room? That sounds like a corking place to chill the vino or to stand when I'm hot flashing. —@Lisabug74
20 / 120
Vatt do you mean?
Me: I'yard going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles.
Dracula: Venn?
Me: Probably tomorrow. —@fro_vo
21 / 120
Fudging the numbers
Just did my own taxes. And so should be in jail by Friday. —@yellowbonemama
22 / 120
Inventing the soul patch
Friend: You missed a spot.
Guy: I don't care. —@donttouchjames
These bad dad jokes from Twitter will make you LOL!
23 / 120
Think literary
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll. —@Browtweaten
Here are more Halloween jokes worth memorizing!
24 / 120
Correct on schedule
Me: I'k going to sleep in today.
The 500 birds outside my window: Lol. —@GroovyTasia
25 / 120
That's An Order!
Might likewise become ahead and arrive the pond if you're going to proceed interim like a silly goose! —@lowendfury
27 / 120
Silent Partners
The accented worst-spelled give-and-take in the English language language is "queue." Q was killing it on its ain and someone was just like, "Hey, what if he had four useless teammates?" – @randypaint
28 / 120
Cinematic Experience
I thought I liked seeing movies, but it turns out I just like eating candy in a dark room where no ane'south allowed to talk to me. —@ caraweinberger
29 / 120
Injuries by Age
Age v: I jumped off a swing.
Age 21: I jumped off a bar tabular array.
Historic period 38: Sleeping. I injure myself while I was sleeping. —@ AbbyHasIssues
These funny sleep jokes will take you laughing in bed!
30 / 120
Leg Mean solar day
It's been half dozen months since I joined the gym and no progress. I'm going there in person tomorrow to see what'south really going on. —@ _CakeBawse
31 / 120
The Body is a Cheap Flat
I'm becoming the landlord of my own trunk by refusing to fix anything wrong with it. —@ i_zzzzzz
Don't miss these funny tweets about food!
32 / 120
Stressful Singing
I honey seeing people panic at karaoke when they realize how long and repetitive their vocal is. It's similar their eyes are asking, "Will I be singing 'My Sharona' forever?" —@ isabelzawtun
33 / 120
Brutal Honesty
Him: I recall we should see other people.
Me: I disagree. I think we should intermission up and both be solitary. —@ ginnyhogan_
34 / 120
False Advertizing
The ads for women's shower products always say things like "Lock in your moisture" and "Rejuvenate your pores." Meanwhile, men'due south ads are just like "Odour like hammer, yous idiot." —@ MNateShyamalan
35 / 120
Feline Instinct
It'southward unfair to say that Scar murdered Mufasa in The Panthera leo King. Cats simply have a natural need to knock things off ledges. —@ PatsATweetin
36 / 120
Free Wheeling
E'er remember: yous tin can do a cartwheel whenever and wherever you want. —@ charstarlene
37 / 120
A Complete Misunderstanding
Debt collector: You have an outstanding bill.
Me: Aw, cheers! —@abbieexansxo
38 / 120
Life is Unfair
Me: Tin can I have a turn in the hedge at present?
Hedgehog: No. —@abbieevansxo
39 / 120
Truthful Dear Waits
"If you love something, set up it free." –Me, spending money
—@alyssalimp
40 / 120
I'll Be There for You lot
"I'm not here to make friends." –The creator of Friends, who originally wanted to make a different show. —@yoyorobot
If you desire to bring your A-game to trivia night, here are some popular culture facts to keep in mind.
41 / 120
Worst Nightmare
Yous: We all attract what we fear.
Me: I am absolutely terrified of 10 billion dollars. —@leokolade
42 / 120
True Story
Mind-blowing literary fact: all non-fiction books take place in the same shared universe. —@osutein
These true crime books are and so chilling, yous shouldn't read them at night!
43 / 120
No Such Thing?
Not to brag, but I happen to be the reason why the yoga instructor stopped saying "In that location's no such thing as a stupid question." —@hellohappy_time
44 / 120
Conviction Boost
If you're ever feeling downwards on yourself, just retrieve how in 2018, when I hosted Thanksgiving for my family unit, I told them to park in the wrong spot and every single person's motorcar got towed. —@dxxnya
45 / 120
WebMD
One of my favourite games to play is "Is my headache from dehydration, caffeine withdrawal, lack of proper nutrition, my ponytail, stress, sleep impecuniousness, non wearing my glasses or a brain tumour?" —@pmilbs_
46 / 120
The Truth Almost Dating
Dating is merely somebody revealing the grosser parts of themselves picayune by little until you say "Okay, that's plenty" or "Okay, this forever." —@AmySilverberg
47 / 120
But First, Coffee
Me, before coffee:
Ugh, why is everyone shouting?
Me, after coffee: Okay, yes, I do come across the fire at present. —@rica_bee
48 / 120
Modern Romance
I moved in with my girlfriend after one yr. Some people say we're rushing in, merely we're both so in love with saving $900 a calendar month. —@mondaypunday
49 / 120
Night Owls
My friend and I were driving home the other dark at what felt like well past midnight, but the clock said 8:36 p.m. If that doesn't sum up existence in your 40s, I don't know what does. —@letmestart
l / 120
Cheer Upward
"'I hate existence half wheel, one-half-motorcycle," he moped. —@SkinnerSteven
51 / 120
Truly Irate
Me: What makes you angry?
Pirate: When someone steals my p. —@tweetpotato314
52 / 120
Practice We Have Your Attention?
Accordion to inquiry, nine out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random instruments. —@peachesanscream
53 / 120
Plans For Expansion
Cowboy: This town own't large enough for the both of u.s..
City Planner: No, this is merely the mock-upward. The actual town will be much bigger. —@theandrewnadeau
54 / 120
That Time of Year
Wintertime is just me asking my torso, "Hey, are you lot sick?" and my body answering, "Perhaps!" —@jpbrammer
55 / 120
Location, Location, Location
The fact that my balcony isn't facing the street makes it nice and tranquility but as well makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective. —@Chicksrule
56 / 120
Catechism Re-create Edited
Author: The Sorcerer of Oz
Editor: Oz's Magician —@Ben_rosen
These hilarious piece of work jokes volition help you get through the week.
57 / 120
At present We're Cooking
Wife [on the phone]: Did you preheat the oven like I asked?
Me: Yep.
Married woman: What temperature did you ready it to?
Me: 534
Wife: That's the clock
Me:
Wife:
Me: 535 —@Iwearaonesie
58 / 120
A Whole Latte Laughs
Me: Beloved, information technology'due south really muggy out today.
Wife: If I go exterior and all our mugs are on the front lawn, I'm leaving you.
Me: *Sips coffee from bowl* —@Mynameisntdave
If that fabricated yous smile, you'll love these ridiculous java puns.
59 / 120
Chase Your Dreams
If you want happiness for an hour, accept a nap. —@Planet_Irony
lx / 120
Now That's a Reveal
Me: My wife is having a baby.
Colleague: Oh my God, do you know what it is?
Me: It's a person, simply smaller. —@Keetpotato
61 / 120
We All Get Our 15 Minutes of Fame
I wonder if the guy who came upwardly with the term "one-hit wonder" came up with whatever other phrases. —@Humurous1liners
62 / 120
Those Were the Days
Would beloved for ane 2nd of my adult life to feel as amped every bit I did as a child knowing I had five bucks to spend at the Scholastic Book Off-white. — @Kristen_arnett
These funny Monday jokes will assist y'all brand it through the week.
63 / 120
Anything Goes
The airport is a lawless place. Seven a.m.? Drink a beer. Tired? Sleep on the flooring. Hungry? Chips at present cost $17. — @Alyssalimp
64 / 120
Hmm… Let Me Go Back to You on That
You lot never realize how boring you are until someone asks you what you do for fun. —@Thefunnyteeng
65 / 120
Information technology's Chosen Problem Solving
I but constitute out my mum didn't know how to set the clock on her new microwave. So she stayed up until midnight so plugged information technology in. —@Giftedrascal
Everyone can chronicle to these funny tweets nearly technology.
66 / 120
All the LOLs
Woke up this morning and the warning clock was laughing at me… Then realized it was upside down and the fourth dimension was vii:07. —@Pembdave
These hilarious golf jokes are ameliorate than a hole-in-one.
67 / 120
He'due south Not Wrong
"Information technology'south five o'clock somewhere," I say as I leave work at 9 a.one thousand. —@Michaelsmartguy
68 / 120
Fourth dimension is Relative
If I tell you I'thousand v minutes away and you believe me, that is your own personal problem. —@Heysar4h
69 / 120
Fairweather Friend
I hate when babies outset acting similar everything'south brand new. It'southward me. I just saw you concluding week and we were best friends. Don't do this to me." —@Stfubryann
70 / 120
Modern Malaise
My aunt got a Google Home for Christmas and she already had an Amazon Alexa. Recently nosotros were messing around with the new device and asked, "Okay, Google, what do you retrieve of Alexa?"
It answered, "I like her blue light." From across the room, Alexa turned on and said, "Thanks."
I'one thousand scared. —@Allisoncalhoun1
71 / 120
Criminally Fabulous
The police just came to my house. They explained to me that someone had sent them photos of my car. They were worried, as blond hair was sticking out the back. The policeman and then asked me to open my trunk, and then I did. Their grisly discovery? My clip-in weave. —@Megalexandrax
72 / 120
Elephant's Retention
My co-worker told me he got banned from a bar when he lived in Due north Dakota in 1973. He didn't effort going back to it for xxx years, only when he finally did, the moment he stepped in someone yelled, "Get the hell out of hither, Dennis." That's probably my favourite story ever. —@Bmangall20
These funny family stories will take you laughing out loud!
73 / 120
Diminishing Returns
My girlfriend has started calling my hair "the economy" because it's begun showing strong signs of a recession. —@realHamOnWry
You won't be able to unsee these funny stock photos!
74 / 120
Stay Positive
Me: I have to be honest, Steve. I'one thousand a motivational speaker, not a flying teacher.
Steve: WHAT? I CAN'T Country THIS PLANE!
Me: Not with that attitude yous can't. —@Reverend_Scott
Comedians reveal their favourite jokes ever!
76 / 120
Is There An App For That?
I asked my daughter if she'd seen my newspaper. She told me that newspapers are old schoolhouse. She said that people use tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad. The wing didn't stand up a chance. —@DTWillingham
Y'all won't believe these mind-blowing facts.
77 / 120
Well Read
I used to know a girl chosen Paige Turner. I could read her like a book. —@MOSHK_88
Keep laughing with thesefunny examples of irony in real life.
79 / 120
The Rug Says…
I'm just sick of people walking all over me. —@chrisdowning
fourscore / 120
Series Stalker
Tin you imagine how bad-mannered it would exist if your pet went on your phone and institute the thousands of pictures y'all have of them sleeping? —@laurajaylovette
Burnish your day with these funny animate being pictures!
81 / 120
Exhausted Bunch
Q: Why was Male monarch Arthur'southward regular army too tired to fight?
A: It had too many sleepless knights. —@Dadsaysjokes
Test your history chops with these hilarious history jokes.
82 / 120
Funny and Freaky
If you demand something to pass time on a plane, over the course of the flight, slowly and silently employ an entire face up of clown makeup. —@bridger_w
83 / 120
Winning Strategy
Everyone, everyone, hold up. I accept an idea. What if nosotros all stand BACK from the luggage carousel and only footstep forward if you actually meet your handbag? —Andrew Chang, news anchor
These are the things yous should never say to flying attendants.
85 / 120
Sweet Dreams Get Crushed
I heard my husband scream "NOOOOOO!" from across the house and ran to see if he was okay. I discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to "wash" his cotton candy and then appears visibly upset when information technology dissolves in the water. —@TheOutli3R
We dare yous not to smile while looking at these adorable pictures of baby animals.
86 / 120
Wrecking Ball
Just saw an article near an "easy calm conditioning" you tin can do in your living room with a kettlebell, which sounds like a fun manner to break everything in my apartment. —Raina Douris, radio host
Cheque out 20 more make clean jokes that are safety for any occasion.
87 / 120
Don't Try This at Dwelling house
I saw a sign that said "falling rocks," so I tried and it doesn't. —@ElleOhHell
89 / 120
Theory of Evolution
Personally I think giraffes grew those necks considering they really wanted to exist alone. —Sandra Newman, author
90 / 120
Know-it-All
Give a man a fish and he eats for a day. Simply teach a homo to fish and he'll exist like, "Um, actually, I know how to fish, I'll show you." And you lot'll wish you had your old fish so you could throw it at him. —Aparna Nancherla, comedian
91 / 120
Dream Squad
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau, they would win celebrity-couple nicknaming forever with "Portmanteau." —Bryan Donaldson, Idiot box writer
We bet you didn't know these historical figures were related!
92 / 120
A Perfect Hybrid
If I had to come up up with a slogan for raccoons it'd definitely be, "Dogs and easily, together at concluding." —Merritt K., podcaster
95 / 120
Sorry, Couldn't Hear You
Store clerk: Ma'am, you're not allowed to try out the earplugs earlier you buy them.
Me: What? —@ElleOhHell
98 / 120
A Flake Too Clever
Someone came into the library where I work and asked me if we had a book about Pavlov's domestic dog and Schrödinger's cat. I said information technology rang a bell only I wasn't sure if it was there or not. —@localnotail
These funny dog cartoons are sure to brand you lot chuckle.
99 / 120
To Seal One'south Await
Do people who line up at the gate before their flight starts boarding besides stand up next to the toilet 20 minutes before they even have to pee? —@joshgondelman
100 / 120
Power Naps
My body: WHAT Practice WE WANT?
My brain: Slumber!
My torso: WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
My encephalon: AT EITHER 2 p.thou. OR iii p.m. NO OTHER TIME.
My trunk: No, that'due south not—
My brain: WE ARE UNWILLING TO COMPROMISE. —@keelyflaherty
101 / 120
I Make My Own Rules
Proud to announce my dream of becoming a criminal lawyer is halfway complete! Just working on the lawyer part now. —@sabrinahamiddd
We've rounded up the funniest lawyer jokes e'er.
102 / 120
Crucial Details
Merely remember, when the jury is deciding betwixt premeditated murder and manslaughter… it's the thought that counts. —@C00LpenNAME
Bank check out these LOL-worthy wedding ceremony jokes about marriage!
103 / 120
Undercover
Saw a police officeholder dressed equally a airplane pilot today and idea information technology was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those "aeroplane clothes cops." —@Tmoney68
104 / 120
Keep information technology Tidy
You tin tell which inmates were involved in organized offense because their cells are much neater than the other prisoners. —@mstern68
105 / 120
Forensic Files
Whenever I spotter Forensic Files and realize I've already seen the episode, I get so mad I could poison someone in small-scale amounts every mean solar day for six months. —Jeremy Rowley, Comedian
Check out these truthful stories of the world'due south dumbest criminals.
106 / 120
Know Your Rights
Did yous know you have the right to remain silent fifty-fifty when you lot're not being arrested? —Evan Kessler, Comedian
107 / 120
Mystery Guest
If y'all pay me $fifty, I'll testify up to your funeral but stand really far away, holding a blackness umbrella regardless of the weather condition, and so people call up you died with a dark and interesting underground. —Dana Schwartz, Writer
108 / 120
Nature Works in Mysterious Ways
How is it that unicorns are faux merely giraffes are real? Similar, what's more believable: a horse with a horn or a leopard-moose-camel with a xl-foot cervix? —@_kylebrownlee
109 / 120
Sharing Is Caring
"Bro, you want this pamphlet?"
"Brochure." —@SkinnerSteven
110 / 120
Important Parenting Communication
Don't proper name your infant James. Proper name him Jame. He is one Jame. —@ohheyohhihello
These relatable parenting tweets will make you laugh out loud.
111 / 120
Is At that place a Cure For That?
I went to the doctor and he said, "You've got hypochondria." I said, "Non that also!" —Tim Vine, comedian
Check out our funniest doctor jokes of all time.
112 / 120
Tips, Please
What are some cures for indisposition that do not involve drinking less caffeine and alcohol, or turning off your phone and estimator, or getting do or meditating or reducing stress in any manner? —Bess Kalb, Goggle box Writer
Our editors have rounded upwardly the funniest jokes in Reader'south Digest history.
115 / 120
The Residue is Unwritten
Broken pencils are pointless. —@BreakingHunt
Every science nerd will appreciate these physics jokes.
116 / 120
Questionable Trends
Yous either die a hero or alive long enough to run across wide-legged jeans come back into style multiple times. —Adam Sternbergh, author
Here are 75 more than hilarious altogether jokes to help you discover the funny side of getting another year older.
117 / 120
Getting to the Root of the Trouble
Me: This boondocks ain't large plenty…
Gunslinger: Yes, yeah, for the two of united states.
Me: No, I mean in full general. At that place isn't plenty infrastructure to support the population.
Gunslinger: Y'all know what? You're right.
[We brainstorm urban planning.] —@ThugRaccoons
118 / 120
Merely Where?
Me, in hell: I was told there would be a "special" place for me? —Alice Wetterlund, comedian
Do y'all frequently have trouble making it to the punchline? Check out these short jokes anyone can remember!
119 / 120
Search History: A Window to the Soul
My most recent Google searches are every bit follows:
"DIY wine opener"
"How to cascade wine after breaking the cork"
"How to store vino without cork"
"How long is open up vino good for"
"Why do dogs walk funny with shoes on" —@fratulez
These DIY jokes are sure to bring down the house!
120 / 120
Kitty'south Got Claws
Dressed the neighbour'south cat in a superhero costume so that when it went home they'd wonder, "Is my cat fighting offense?" —@AimeeHelene1
If you enjoyed these hilarious tweets, be sure to check out our roundup of the best Canadian jokes of all fourth dimension.
Originally Published: July xix, 2021
Source: https://www.readersdigest.ca/culture/hilarious-tweets/
0 Response to "Funny Sign in Case of Fire Tweet"
Post a Comment